Fangirl-ing

This post is more commenting and fangirl-ing (I made a new verb!) about John Green, Hank Green, and Nerdfighteria. So if you're tired of reading about those topics and my commentary on them... feel free to navigate away from this page. Now.

Moving on.

First, story time.

On my flight home from Medford not too long ago, I met a young girl, Catharine (gosh I hope I'm spelling that correctly) who sat next to me on the plane. I was in the window seat and she was in the middle seat. She kept turning around to talk to a friend who was unfortunately assigned to a seat away from her. This friend's name was Nicole, I think...and it was her first flight. Anyway, we were pulling away from the gate, and I had my copy of "The Fault in Our Stars" in my lap because I had recently began to reread it. Catharine politely points to it and says, "Is that a good book? I've heard it's really good." And of course I try to keep my gushing to a minimum and reply, "Oh yes. This is my second time reading it and I NEVER reread books." And to my surprise and utter joy, she said, "You know the author does these videos online with his brother-" and I interrupted, "ARE YOU A NERDFIGHTER TOO?!!" to which she replied, "Yes!" and we immediately high-fived and launched into a conversation of our favorite videos. At one point during the flight she turned around to Nicole to check on how she was doing (She was good), and Nicole asked how she was...Catharine said, "Great! I'm sitting next to a Nerdfighter!" I turned and waved at Nicole, even though I couldn't see her face, and said hello. We took a break from our conversation to read our books. I couldn't help but think that this wonderful girl I had met has not yet read the awesomeness that is TiFOS, that I should give her my copy. This was an idea that I actually struggled with as the flight progressed. I really love this book, and giving it up when I had barely just started my second read was a little difficult to digest. But Catharine hadn't read it!! So, realizing that giving up my favorite book would be very hard especially because I was in the middle of rereading it, that meant that I absolutely had to try to give it to her. So I did. This is how it went:

Me: "So you said you haven't read this one, right?" *Gestures toward book in hands*
Her: "Right."
Me: "Then I want you to have mine." *tried to hand book to Catharine*
Her: "No. I can't take your book."
Me: "Seriously, it's okay. I want you to have it."
Her: "I can't take your book."  -- We're both laughing now.
Me: "You have to read it! Take it!"
Her: "I really can't!"
Me: *laughing* "Fine. Then promise me you'll buy it and read it."

Then I told her where in Vegas she can find it. (Turns out she was in town for a martial arts competition! Cool!) We talked more and I made her promise, as we were disembarking, that she was going to buy the book and she WAS going to read it. Sadly, I don't know if she ever did purchase the book or how well she did at the competition she was attending. But it was fun to meet another nerdfighter.

I spent much of today watching videos circa 2009 on vlogbrothers. (If all my talk of these wonderful brothers hasn't gotten you to watch any of the videos yet, I don't know what else I can say. Watch a few. Enjoy the awesome. Thank me later.) And I have two quotes to share from two videos I saw today. Both made me stop what I was doing (because I was playing the new Sims expansion pack while watching the videos...) and rewind the videos many times to write down exactly what John was saying so that I could reflect on it now...and later if I need to.

First, on the topic of why people want to be famous:

John just said that the commenters on the previous videos discussing famous-ness had pretty much fallen into about 3 different camps. And this is John discussing the first camp:

"The main reason people want to be famous is because it allows them to live after they've died... [but] no one is going to live forever, because there will come a time in which there will be no human beings to ever remember that there were human beings who did anything...Stars of reality shows, while 'famous', do not live on after their death in any meaningful way. I propose, that Lauren Conrad, who is reportedly a very famous person, is likely to live less after her death than a high school English teacher. Imagine the future when Lauren Conrad is 50 years old, maybe some people who are also 50 may remember that she used to be on a horribly destructive reality show, but no one who is 30 years younger than Lauren Conrad will have no idea who she is. Whereas your average high school English teacher will teach until she's 65, teaching 15 year old kids. Which means, that when she dies when she's 85, her youngest students will be 35 years old. They'll go on and remember her for another 50 years. Lauren Conrad has no chance at being remembered 50 years after she dies. So if you want to be famous because you want to be remembered...be a teacher."

--Let's get this out of the way first, because I feel I need to admit to it before I become accused of it... yes, this speech interested me because my favorite author is talking about english teachers... of which I AM ONE. There, I said it. Now, I have never dreamed of associating my profession with becoming famous. When I think of famous people, I think of movies and TV stars...and music people. Famous to me means being widely known and paid wildly for it. And that doesn't sound anything like education. But John makes a point about being remembered. One of the reasons I went into teaching was because I wanted to make a difference in students' lives. If I (outrageously) succeed, and just one of my students remembers me 50 years after I had them in my classroom... then I guess I have the potential to become famous... but never know it because, according to John's logic, my youngest students would have to outlive me first. So can you still be famous without knowing it? Can you be famous if only one person makes it so?

And another quote from John, that I would love to have printed very nicely and framed so I can see it whenever I become discouraged from my dream of writing a novel...

"Every single day, I get emails from aspiring writers asking my advice about how to become a writer...and here is the only advice I can give: Don't make stuff because you want to make money. It will never make you enough money. Don't make stuff because you want to get famous, because you will never feel famous enough. Make gifts for people, and work hard on making those gifts in the hope that those people will notice how hard you worked...and maybe they won't. And if they don't notice... I know it's frustrating. But ultimately, that doesn't change anything because your responsibility is not to the people your making the gift for...but to the gift itself."

-- To me, this means that my writing isn't about what others may think about it. It's about the work I put into it. It's about the creation and passion I put into it. Not about making money or being famous, or even getting published. It's about the creation and the process it took to get there. When I heard this speech, and let it sink in...(meaning I watched it more than once)... it took off a huge amount of pressure I didn't realize I had about my writings. While I have always wanted to write a novel, I honestly never really thought I would have the dedication to actually finish one. But now that the pressure I previously mentioned has lifted, I feel like it is slightly more possible. Because the writing should be FUN because I love it, not because it's a means to an end to get published. I've never worded this dream as, "Have a novel published." It's always been, "To write a novel."Well gee, there is a distinct difference there! More pressure lifted! Granted, this does not mean that novel-writing is at the top of my priority list now...just that it seems more feasible to actually BE on the list.

If all my fan-girl gushing hasn't yet convinced you of the awesome that is the vlogbrothers... here is the link to the video that the second quote I talked about. ---->  Click here to be inspired. 

Cruise happening soooooon!

DFTBA :)

Book Review (Kinda...)

I should be sleeping. But I just finished a great book…so I can’t.

I’m not sure how to start this, because it’s intended as a review for the book, “Will Grayson, Will Grayson” by John Green and David Levithan…and I suppose it will turn out to be just that…eventually.

John Green is the only author I’ve read who forces me to keep a dialectal journal. That’s right folks, an off-duty English major/teacher is voluntarily keeping a dialectal journal as she reads. While I realize that these journals are intended for reactions to quotations found in the novel one is currently reading, mine isn’t quite like that. I just write down the date, quote, and page number on which I found the quote. Some are funny or even sad, but mostly they’re philosophical and typically the quotes I write down are the ones I read a few times over because I’m in awe of whatever message they have that has so profoundly spoken to me.

I began doing this when I read Green’s “Fault in Our Stars.” I typed these ones up in a document that sits somewhere on my hard drive, alone and mostly forgotten. I felt this was a very impersonal approach to a such a project, so I found one of the many journals I have purchased – and have yet to write in—and began a hand-written dialectal journal, beginning with “Will Grayson, Will Grayson.”

Now, the storyline of this novel is questionable. Not in the sense of it’s content, but it’s simplicity versus complexity. It lies somewhere in the middle. Josh asked me in the car today how I liked the book I was currently reading, and I told him that while I appreciate the language in the book as well as the philosophical tidbits (the ones I usually write down), it seemed to be lacking something that I loved in “Fault in Our Stars.” The story itself was slow, and when I was so close to the end I found myself saying, “What has really happened so far?” The answer? Not much. While the teenage angst was legitimate, I never felt like the depth of it was really achieved. That doesn't make much sense… I believe I told Josh that the conflict seemed real, it just lacked something, and honestly, I still don’t know what it is. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the novel, cheesy ending and all. It provided me with a few gems for my dialectal journal, which I will gladly share with you now.

Page 5: “Also, I feel like crying is almost like, aside from the deaths of relative or whatever—totally avoidable if you follow two very simple rules: 1. Don’t care too much. 2. Shut up. Everything unfortunate that has ever happened to me has stemmed from failure to follow one of the rules”

            ** Talk about your pessimistic, pouty, I-refuse-to-engage-with-life-because-I’m-afraid-to, teenage angst! As the story progresses, Will discovers that the rules will fail him, and not the other way around. Silly boy, you can’t sum up life by creating two “rules” and the stand on the sidelines of life and expect something wonderful to happen to you!

Page 25: “The first bell rings. Like all the bells in our fine institution of lower learning, it’s not a bell at all, it’s a long beep like you’re about to leave a voicemail saying you’re having the suckiest day ever and nobody’s ever going to listen to it.”

            **To be perfectly honest, I wrote this one down because it spoke to me personally. It sums up how I felt in high school on some of my moodier days...and summed up how I felt in the classroom on some days over the past 5 months, too. It really should be a legitimate bell…the long tone-like sounds really does sound institutional. But to take it on a more optimistic side, maybe you could see this “long beep” as that sound you heard as a child while you listened to books on tape…the sound that told you it was time to turn the page…and move on to something else.

Page 43: “You like someone who can’t like you back because unrequited love can be survived in away that once-requited love cannot.”

            ** I ponder the truth of this statement. Is it pessimistic or optimistic? Mature or immature? I feel there is a deep conversation that can be had with this statement as its center. It would be interesting to hear other people’s opinion on the matter. It too-easily explains why one person may not have feelings for another, as if the one without the feelings is doing the one with the feelings some kind of favor because if they DID like them back, then the pain would somehow be worse. At the moment, I feel like it waters-down a really complicated situation and all-too-easily explains it away. But a teenager DID say it, and maybe it was that character's way of rationalizing a difficult situation. 

Page 66: “Sorry geniuses, but there’s no such thing as a fuck cure. A fuck sure is like the adult version of Santa Claus.”

            ** This one just made me laugh and think about all those movies where you hear the best friend’s answer to their woeful companion’s problem is, “Dude, you just need to get laid.” Which, according to this quote could roughly translate to: “Dude, you just need to believe in Santa!” Hahaha….

Page 125: “You know what sucks about love? That it’s so tied to the truth.”

Page 127: “Love is tied to the truth. I think of them as unhappily conjoined twins.”

Page 128: “Love and truth being tied together. I mean, they make each other possible.”

            ** These are examples of the philosophical tidbits that I love. What’s interesting about this idea is that the characters never really explore how love is tied to truth…at least not in depth. Through some of their actions I suppose they do, but I feel this concept could have gone a lot further within the story line in terms of character epiphanies… then again maybe they were not meant to explain how love is tied to truth. Maybe that’s my job as the reader.

Page 131: “Random questions are the least random of all questions.”

            ** TRUTH

Page 174: “When things break, it’s not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It’s because a little piece get lost—the two remaining ends couldn’t fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed.”

            ** What an excellent metaphor for moving on with one’s life. Again, on the surface, I feel it too easily explains something that can be vastly more complicated, but it still speaks to my own life experiences. On a pessimistic side, one could read this as “Nothing will ever be the same again.” OR, on a optimistic side, one could read this as “We can put the pieces back together that still fit and make new pieces for the missing ones.” How do you read it?

And finally, probably the most profound (to me) quote I found in the entire novel:

Page 277: “This is why we call people exes I guess—because the paths that cross in the middle end up separating at the end. It’s too easy to see an X as a cross-out. It’s not, because there is no way to cross out something like that. The X is a diagram of two paths.”

            ** What’s wonderful about the context of this quote is that the character that says it is not talking about a romantic relationship. He’s talking about a toxic friendship in which he has finally found some closure after a very serious falling out. Meaning that not just romantic boyfriends and girlfriends can become exes. Boyfriends and girlfriends can too. While they are not romantic in the sense of love, they are still platonic or can even border on a family-like relationship. There can still be that intense closeness and connection without having romantic feelings involved. Meaning that if that relationship is somehow severed, its pain can just as easily be as horrible as a break-up…and therefore that person can just as easily be referred to as an ex-friend.  Sometimes friendships last and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes you’re only meant to be friends for that short time before your paths diverge into different futures. Nonetheless, your paths did cross and chances are it was probably for a reason. Maybe not an epiphany, all encompassing miracle kind of reason, but maybe they were there to teach you something about yourself that they never intended to do. Or maybe they were the exact kind of person you needed at that point in your life, but then they aren't anymore.

This is why I absolutely adore John Green’s novels. They inspire me to reflect upon myself, my past, my future, and everything in between. They make me think deeply about things that I haven’t thought about it a while, or have never even thought of before.

God, I love reading. J

I am.

I’ve been meaning to reflect lately. I don’t know why I’ve been putting it off for so long. Maybe I’m afraid of the results? I don’t know.

In any case, I’ve been struggling for the past week or so, trying to figure out who I am as a teacher in this strange new environment. The classroom I’m in now is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

All of my observations, practicums, and student teaching were all in English Honors classrooms. While observations are very relevant and helpful for a teacher-in-training (I still consider myself in that stage), they do NOT paint a real picture of what teaching is really like. The things I learned observing and working in Honors level classrooms are not reality. At least, it is not reality for me now. I feel like I’ve been trained to work with only honors students. I feel like I know exactly how to challenge them, and assess them, and design lessons around them. But I do not have such students now. Far from it, actually. That’s not an insult to the students I have. They’re still bright and curious students at times, but not to the caliber I’m used to.

(I’m trying my best to try not to make it sound like I’m whining or complaining. That’s not the tone I’m going for here.)

They refuse to engage. I’m not exaggerating. My students, with the exception of a select few, refuse to engage. Discussions are nearly impossible. They’re painful for me, really, because if I’ve discovered anything about myself during my time at Rancho, it is that I thrive off the back and forth between students and teacher during instructional time. I work off their energy as they answer my questions verbally as I guide them through a lesson. But these students I have now refuse to engage in my questioning. I’ve talked to other teachers about this issue and one of them told me it is a cultural thing. They do not engage with their elders…only follow what is being said and directions being given. I don’t know how to get around this. (If that is truly the case.) I mean, even if I just ask for hands in the air for a quick opinion poll, students will not participate. I do not want to have to result to sugar bribes, though that as been suggested to me too. Another suggestion has been to connect the literature to the students in a modern setting. I’ve been trying to do that as much as possible, but I can’t live in the modern translation all of the time.

Another problem I’ve been struggling with is this idea that I’m going to reach every student, and every student will do the necessary work with the necessary vigor and pass my class with a smile on their face. Talk about living outside of reality! I’ve been driving myself crazy every single day trying to make sure every single student is on track and doing what he or she is supposed to be doing. I’ve been stressing myself out when making plans, keeping certain students in mind and questioning my plans just based on those students who refuse to do their work. In reality, I should make sure I’m challenging those students who do want to be in the classroom and do want to do the work and participate. I know I can’t reach every single one of them and make them love English…but I want to. I imagine most new teachers struggle with this? I cannot hold all of their hands, so to speak, yet I find myself trying to do just that. I don’t want to get complacent, but I also don’t want to stretch myself so thin trying to reach students who do not want to be reached. Like I said, I’m struggling.

But, I must end on a good note. Not all has been bad. We’re reading Romeo and Juliet. I had one student correctly and quickly answer questions about what we’d just read. She interpreted Shakespeare on her own! Normally I add commentary as we read to aid in understanding, but she didn’t seem to need my help. She asked questions about characters and made predictions all on her own. She said, “I really enjoy this, and I don’t know why.” A boy across the room teased her for saying so (they always have a back-and-forth that’s all in good fun). She didn’t let that bother her at all. She just reiterated that she was enjoying the play. I loved hearing that.

Today, I’ve had students that I never thought would answer my questions doing so with enthusiasm. One student, who has always been so quiet and reserved, let his personality fly today! He wasn’t speaking in a timid voice as he usually does. He was louder and more confident when he answered my questions, and like the previously mentioned student, he asked questions about characters and drew conclusions based on the text all by himself. He was timid no more. I was blown away. Another student, who normally looks so sleepy and uninterested, was animatedly talking to me about the readings today. Again, I was impressed and a little elated. I hope this enthusiasm spreads and it will encourage others to engage. I would like to think that it was my enthusiasm for Shakespeare that prompted these boys (in different classes) to come out of their shells. I like to think that, though I don’t know how true it is.

Finally, I heard some very wonderful words come out of another student in my 6^th period class today. Now, 6^th and 7^th periods are the squirmiest and most boisterous of all my classes. They’re tough to deal with at the end of the day. I gave a writing assignment after we read today, hoping they would enjoy prompts that would allow them to connect their personal stories to Shakespeare’s characters. I told them it had to be half a page, and of course they griped about it. When it came time to turn it in, one student handed me a full page and asked if that was okay. I said, “Of course!” She said, “I just love writing.” My heart swelled.

I could go on and on with stories. I try to find as much humor in my experiences as I can. Otherwise I’d be a basket case of stress and annoyance. Laughing helps.

On to the “I am” challenge. This idea was given to me by a friend as part of a project she’s working on to remind people to take the time to reflect on yourself. Here goes.

I am…always a student. I am constantly enjoying learning new information about anything. Things that bored me when I was younger now fascinate me as an adult. History about anything and everything has more meaning to me now, and I can appreciate it more fully.

I am…a teacher. Still wrapping my head around this idea because I’ve always viewed myself as a perpetual student, but now I get to share that knowledge with the next generation in hopes that I may inspire one to read or write not because they have to…but because they WANT to.

I am…a dreamer. I’m constantly wondering about the future and where life will take my husband and me. I dream of the grand adventures we’ll have together and with our amazing group of friends and family. Their constant positive energy and support allows this dreamer to keep on dreamin’.

I am…a worrier. I always worry. I worry about everything. I sometimes think I live in a constant state of fear. I worry I’m letting someone down, or not working as hard as I should. I worry about friends and family when they find themselves in unhappy situations. I worry about being late. I worry about my students. I worry that I will say something wrong to hurt someone’s feelings, and that’s never my intention. I worry about what others think of me. ( I was hoping to grow out of that one, but apparently not.)

I am…a child at heart. Always. Disney will always have a special place for me. Nostalgia makes me happy more than is probably healthy. Watching Disney movies is a stress relief for me. It takes me back to more carefree times. I may be mocked for my childish tendencies toward such things, but I will not let go of it. I still have coloring books, crayons, markers, and colored pencils stashed away in a box in my closet. They come out when I’m really stressed. The ability to color inside the lines reminds me that I still have control even when my adult life feels like its spinning out of it. I’m not ashamed of these hobbies. They’re part of me. Take it or leave it.

I think I’ve rambled on long enough. If you’ve read all the way through, thank you. I’m always open to advice about anything you’ve read. Over and out. 

1st interview

I can't say that it went well. It was scary. Not what I expected. 

I was interviewed by the principal and another woman who gave me her name, but not her position in the school. She seemed to like me, but the principal asked all the hard questions. Many of them were situational in nature. For example, "How would you handle a student who does no classwork, but aces your test? What grade would you give him?" or "What are the pieces of literature that freshmen must read?" and "What about a student who can't write a paragraph?" I told him I would start with the basics, like topic sentences, etc. He said, "What if they can't write a topic sentence?" My face may have looked something like this:  0.o  .... My answer was to start over, calling "Topic Sentence" something else, because they've probably been hearing that phrase over and over since the 6th grade. Make it something new and interesting to them. I hope that was a good answer. 

When I mentioned Shakespeare to his "must-read" question he asked me why it is a must-read. We got off on a tangent about Shakespeare and about how I would teach it. I told him the dramas are done over and over again, and I would like to teach one of the comedies, like I did during student teaching. He asked me what skills I would want my students to get out of reading Shakespeare. Again: 0.o After some round-about answering and discussion, apparently he was looking for what skills would they practice with Shakespeare that would be transferable to other lessons/tests. 

It was brutal, and didn't go as well as I hoped. Although, I can't imagine preparing for that kind of interview. Every principal is different and will ask different questions and be looking for different qualities in a teacher. He asked if the job was something I was interested in, and of course I said yes. He asked if I would schedule any other interviews with other schools, and I said that I wouldn't turn down the job he just offered me because it sounded like a great opportunity for me, and he was gracious enough to take the time to interview me... (and take a chance on a new teacher, which I didn't mention, but seriously...I don't know what I did to get a principal to take a chance on me mid-year...) 

Anyway. I guess I could start as early as Monday. It's all up the CCSD HR to double-check my paperwork and draw up a contract. 

But you know what's the most incredible about all of this? The amazing, wonderful, super-awesome support system that I have. I have so many people who are rooting for me and are willing to help me out. I couldn't do it without them, and they know who they are, because I've thanked them profusely. My support system is what keeps me going and dreaming about success in this career. My bravery, courage, and willing-ness to take risks (like this job offer), would be non-existent without everybody backing me up. So, thanks guys. Your cheers and support are everything. Thank you. 

On to the next stage of my journey! 

Expectations

August 29, 2012

            I watched Mrs. P lead a discussion on the annotations of “Hotel California” for 3 periods today. What I found fascinating was that even by the 3^rd time she was hearing these interpretations, she acted like every single one was brand new to her. She offered to let me lead the discussion in the tiny 16-student AP class during 5^th period. It didn’t go like I imagined it would. I thought that choosing the tiny class would result in a good discussion because they all already knew each other and there was already a foundation of trust and respect. But they were just not into it at all, and it totally left me flabbergasted. The other 3 periods that did this activity (all over-crowded, with 40+ students) were very active in the conversation and seemed to enjoy it. But not when I lead it with 5^th period. Maybe I didn’t make it interesting enough. I heard laughter every time I turned my back to write something they said on the board. I made stupid spelling errors when I was writing on the board.  I’m not sure what else I did wrong. I felt pretty confident about the topic since I watched Mrs. P do it 3 times before.  It’s like the students couldn’t take what I had to say about it seriously. I asked Mrs. P what I did wrong. She said that I needed to explain why we did the activity and why it was useful to them. She's right...I did skip over this portion, mostly because I got flustered with how terribly the discussion was going.  I guess she heard a student mutter that annotations were pointless, so obviously discussing the “why” portion of this activity was more important in this period than the others…and naturally I messed it up. It makes me nervous for the future when I have to take over. Granted I will have the Honors classes, not the AP ones,  but still. I havne’t had a chance to work with the Honors kids yet and I hope that they enjoy the stuff I have planned for Beowulf. I am not a master in this piece of literature, and I am going to try my best to make sure it does not show. Maybe they will be kinder than the AP kids, though I can’t blame them for their disgust…because I remember having a student teacher for a period when I was in AP English my junior year of high school…and she botched her lesson too. The AP kids have high expectations of their instructors, and I just didn’t meet them today, I guess. I’m not letting it get me down or letting it discourage me. I’m just disappointed that it didn’t go as well as I had seen it go in my head.  Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. Week one is half over.  Only 15 and a half more weeks to go! 

Student Teaching, Day 3

August 28, 2012

     Today was actually interesting. I am so tired though, and I didn’t even teach today. I actually got to introduce myself to the classes, and the honors and AP kids were very nice and seemed happy to have me there. To be perfectly honest, I completely underestimated them. They were introduced to Inductive Thinking today, which they were all instantly good at. We actually listened to and annotated “Hotel California” by the Eagles. I didn’t realize how vague that song was, which left it open to may interpretations. Students were drawing great conclusions with text evidence to back it up. Granted, I wasn’t leading this discussion, but I was taking notes on what they were saying and it was that great! I won’t be fully taking over the AP classes, but the 3 Honors classes will be 100% mine. We decided that we will co-teach the Writing for Proficiency class and one of the AP classes.  My Beowulf unit is not fully put together yet, which makes me nervous…but I’m not starting it until next Thursday. I don’t know Beowulf backwards and forwards, so I feel awkward trying to design a lesson plan around it. I have been reading the same handout the kids will get, along with supplemental stuff I can find online. It seems pretty simple, so maybe I’m over thinking it, and making it harder than it has to be…I don’t know. We discovered today that we are going to have to start from the bottom up with the Writing for Profiecency students after one of them asked, “What’s brainstorming?”So the next three days are going to be spent going over the writing process step by step.

     Speaking of Writing Prof students…my most interesting introduction was definitely in that class. I told them they could call me Miss Chill (which is what I’ve told every class I’ve been in) and for the first time, someone asked me, “Are you actually chill?” I replied that I was, or I try to be. Then one girl in front pipped up, “Are you mean?!” These are seniors, keep in mind. Here is the conversation that followed, with a lot of laughter and humor sprinkled in:

Her: “Are you mean?”

Me: “Define ‘mean’?”

Her:”….I don’t know.” --Laughter--

Someone else: “Are you strict?”

Another student: “Are you crotchety?” –insane laughter-

Me: “No!” –laugh laugh- I turned back to the original question: “I’m not mean. But I do have expectations and-“

Her: “What kind of expectations?”

Me: “High expectations.”

Collective, “ughhhh!”

Me: “Not too high! High enough that I know you can reach them!”

     They all went back to writing after that.  Well, some of them did. Mrs. P sat with the girl who questioned my “mean-ness”  while I stayed at the front. I was surprised to see kids actually working on the assignment, and even some helping each other brainstorm. Of course there were a few who decided not to work, but to goof-off, and I was surprised that Mrs. P did not address this. In fact, they started lining up at the door 10 minutes before the bell was to ring, which leads me into my next thing…

     I did come to some realizations today. First, I realized that my co-op teacher has the same passion that I do, but it was just hard to find under all the sarcasm and bitterness toward the job in general. I also realized that she can operate without structure, but I don’t know how she does it. I don’t know if she just doen’t need it, or has never had it. But she’s managed to make it work. Tomorrow, we’re supposed to go over course expectations and stuff. So maybe I can see her act like a hard-ass. However, in no way is she a push-over. She’s a strong presence in her classroom, and commands attention. But so far there has been no establishment of routine or procedures. Also, she never introduced herself to her class, which I found odd. However, I the majority of her students she’s had before, so maybe she felt like she didn’t need to introduce herself? I just know I would feel left out if my teacher knew a bunch of my peers, but didn’t know me and didn’t introduce herself so I could get to know her the way my peers already did. I hope that makes sense.

     I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not taking over all the classes all at once, so I need not panic. I’m taking over one of the Honors classes next week, and then should have 2 or 3 honors classes. Finally, I will be co-teaching Writing for Prof and AP with Mrs. P while still having full control over the 3 Honors classes.

     I feel the most important thing I learned over the last few days is to not let my fear smother my excitement and enthusiasm. After I finally got to introduce myself (I had to ask to do it. Mrs. P was too flustered and kept forgetting) and talk to the classes I remembered my excitement for this job and forgot the fear. I’m not used to students of this caliber, and it is intimidating, but I have to not let my fear overrule my excitement. My environment is mostly  negative, full of complaints and bitterness and frustration with the administration and the district in general. While most of these complaints and frustrations are valid… (i.e. having not enough desks for students in 2nd, 3rd, and 4th period, but then only having 15 students in 5^th period…also having your ECS let himself into your room during lunch to “fix” the projector you’ve been using all day, only to make things worse and end up having to take a good chunk of class time trying to put it back to how he found it…not having a class set of textbooks because they were stolen/misplaced over the summer…not having clear directions on what your admin wants in your syllabus and therefore have not been able to write it until now…not having a gradebook until the 2^nd week in September because the district hasn’t paid the annual fee for the program…etc.) But these are all things that can be overcome, and shouldn’t determine my attitude. Granted, I know I’m going to have days were I just do not feel like teaching or being at work, but that’s normal for any career. But I also know there are going to be more days of  great and meaningful discussions and hilarious moments and watching the lightbulbs over their heads blink on and hear them say, “Ohhhh!” or “Ah ha!” when then get it.

     So my goals for the next week are to finish up my Intro presentations to Allusions, Archetypes, and Beowulf. Also, I need to cling to my sanity by taking time for ME to chill out and decompress. (today, that took the form of a unintended 2 hour nap on the couch this afternoon…I wasn’t feeling well.) Mainly I need to keep my excitement and enthusiasm in mind at all times. I went into this career because I  know I love it despite the obstacles. Keeping my positive attitude in check is going to be tough in that environment, but I think it will be easier as I start to actually teach and interact with the students. Wish me luck!