I am.

I’ve been meaning to reflect lately. I don’t know why I’ve been putting it off for so long. Maybe I’m afraid of the results? I don’t know.

In any case, I’ve been struggling for the past week or so, trying to figure out who I am as a teacher in this strange new environment. The classroom I’m in now is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

All of my observations, practicums, and student teaching were all in English Honors classrooms. While observations are very relevant and helpful for a teacher-in-training (I still consider myself in that stage), they do NOT paint a real picture of what teaching is really like. The things I learned observing and working in Honors level classrooms are not reality. At least, it is not reality for me now. I feel like I’ve been trained to work with only honors students. I feel like I know exactly how to challenge them, and assess them, and design lessons around them. But I do not have such students now. Far from it, actually. That’s not an insult to the students I have. They’re still bright and curious students at times, but not to the caliber I’m used to.

(I’m trying my best to try not to make it sound like I’m whining or complaining. That’s not the tone I’m going for here.)

They refuse to engage. I’m not exaggerating. My students, with the exception of a select few, refuse to engage. Discussions are nearly impossible. They’re painful for me, really, because if I’ve discovered anything about myself during my time at Rancho, it is that I thrive off the back and forth between students and teacher during instructional time. I work off their energy as they answer my questions verbally as I guide them through a lesson. But these students I have now refuse to engage in my questioning. I’ve talked to other teachers about this issue and one of them told me it is a cultural thing. They do not engage with their elders…only follow what is being said and directions being given. I don’t know how to get around this. (If that is truly the case.) I mean, even if I just ask for hands in the air for a quick opinion poll, students will not participate. I do not want to have to result to sugar bribes, though that as been suggested to me too. Another suggestion has been to connect the literature to the students in a modern setting. I’ve been trying to do that as much as possible, but I can’t live in the modern translation all of the time.

Another problem I’ve been struggling with is this idea that I’m going to reach every student, and every student will do the necessary work with the necessary vigor and pass my class with a smile on their face. Talk about living outside of reality! I’ve been driving myself crazy every single day trying to make sure every single student is on track and doing what he or she is supposed to be doing. I’ve been stressing myself out when making plans, keeping certain students in mind and questioning my plans just based on those students who refuse to do their work. In reality, I should make sure I’m challenging those students who do want to be in the classroom and do want to do the work and participate. I know I can’t reach every single one of them and make them love English…but I want to. I imagine most new teachers struggle with this? I cannot hold all of their hands, so to speak, yet I find myself trying to do just that. I don’t want to get complacent, but I also don’t want to stretch myself so thin trying to reach students who do not want to be reached. Like I said, I’m struggling.

But, I must end on a good note. Not all has been bad. We’re reading Romeo and Juliet. I had one student correctly and quickly answer questions about what we’d just read. She interpreted Shakespeare on her own! Normally I add commentary as we read to aid in understanding, but she didn’t seem to need my help. She asked questions about characters and made predictions all on her own. She said, “I really enjoy this, and I don’t know why.” A boy across the room teased her for saying so (they always have a back-and-forth that’s all in good fun). She didn’t let that bother her at all. She just reiterated that she was enjoying the play. I loved hearing that.

Today, I’ve had students that I never thought would answer my questions doing so with enthusiasm. One student, who has always been so quiet and reserved, let his personality fly today! He wasn’t speaking in a timid voice as he usually does. He was louder and more confident when he answered my questions, and like the previously mentioned student, he asked questions about characters and drew conclusions based on the text all by himself. He was timid no more. I was blown away. Another student, who normally looks so sleepy and uninterested, was animatedly talking to me about the readings today. Again, I was impressed and a little elated. I hope this enthusiasm spreads and it will encourage others to engage. I would like to think that it was my enthusiasm for Shakespeare that prompted these boys (in different classes) to come out of their shells. I like to think that, though I don’t know how true it is.

Finally, I heard some very wonderful words come out of another student in my 6^th period class today. Now, 6^th and 7^th periods are the squirmiest and most boisterous of all my classes. They’re tough to deal with at the end of the day. I gave a writing assignment after we read today, hoping they would enjoy prompts that would allow them to connect their personal stories to Shakespeare’s characters. I told them it had to be half a page, and of course they griped about it. When it came time to turn it in, one student handed me a full page and asked if that was okay. I said, “Of course!” She said, “I just love writing.” My heart swelled.

I could go on and on with stories. I try to find as much humor in my experiences as I can. Otherwise I’d be a basket case of stress and annoyance. Laughing helps.

On to the “I am” challenge. This idea was given to me by a friend as part of a project she’s working on to remind people to take the time to reflect on yourself. Here goes.

I am…always a student. I am constantly enjoying learning new information about anything. Things that bored me when I was younger now fascinate me as an adult. History about anything and everything has more meaning to me now, and I can appreciate it more fully.

I am…a teacher. Still wrapping my head around this idea because I’ve always viewed myself as a perpetual student, but now I get to share that knowledge with the next generation in hopes that I may inspire one to read or write not because they have to…but because they WANT to.

I am…a dreamer. I’m constantly wondering about the future and where life will take my husband and me. I dream of the grand adventures we’ll have together and with our amazing group of friends and family. Their constant positive energy and support allows this dreamer to keep on dreamin’.

I am…a worrier. I always worry. I worry about everything. I sometimes think I live in a constant state of fear. I worry I’m letting someone down, or not working as hard as I should. I worry about friends and family when they find themselves in unhappy situations. I worry about being late. I worry about my students. I worry that I will say something wrong to hurt someone’s feelings, and that’s never my intention. I worry about what others think of me. ( I was hoping to grow out of that one, but apparently not.)

I am…a child at heart. Always. Disney will always have a special place for me. Nostalgia makes me happy more than is probably healthy. Watching Disney movies is a stress relief for me. It takes me back to more carefree times. I may be mocked for my childish tendencies toward such things, but I will not let go of it. I still have coloring books, crayons, markers, and colored pencils stashed away in a box in my closet. They come out when I’m really stressed. The ability to color inside the lines reminds me that I still have control even when my adult life feels like its spinning out of it. I’m not ashamed of these hobbies. They’re part of me. Take it or leave it.

I think I’ve rambled on long enough. If you’ve read all the way through, thank you. I’m always open to advice about anything you’ve read. Over and out. 

1st interview

I can't say that it went well. It was scary. Not what I expected. 

I was interviewed by the principal and another woman who gave me her name, but not her position in the school. She seemed to like me, but the principal asked all the hard questions. Many of them were situational in nature. For example, "How would you handle a student who does no classwork, but aces your test? What grade would you give him?" or "What are the pieces of literature that freshmen must read?" and "What about a student who can't write a paragraph?" I told him I would start with the basics, like topic sentences, etc. He said, "What if they can't write a topic sentence?" My face may have looked something like this:  0.o  .... My answer was to start over, calling "Topic Sentence" something else, because they've probably been hearing that phrase over and over since the 6th grade. Make it something new and interesting to them. I hope that was a good answer. 

When I mentioned Shakespeare to his "must-read" question he asked me why it is a must-read. We got off on a tangent about Shakespeare and about how I would teach it. I told him the dramas are done over and over again, and I would like to teach one of the comedies, like I did during student teaching. He asked me what skills I would want my students to get out of reading Shakespeare. Again: 0.o After some round-about answering and discussion, apparently he was looking for what skills would they practice with Shakespeare that would be transferable to other lessons/tests. 

It was brutal, and didn't go as well as I hoped. Although, I can't imagine preparing for that kind of interview. Every principal is different and will ask different questions and be looking for different qualities in a teacher. He asked if the job was something I was interested in, and of course I said yes. He asked if I would schedule any other interviews with other schools, and I said that I wouldn't turn down the job he just offered me because it sounded like a great opportunity for me, and he was gracious enough to take the time to interview me... (and take a chance on a new teacher, which I didn't mention, but seriously...I don't know what I did to get a principal to take a chance on me mid-year...) 

Anyway. I guess I could start as early as Monday. It's all up the CCSD HR to double-check my paperwork and draw up a contract. 

But you know what's the most incredible about all of this? The amazing, wonderful, super-awesome support system that I have. I have so many people who are rooting for me and are willing to help me out. I couldn't do it without them, and they know who they are, because I've thanked them profusely. My support system is what keeps me going and dreaming about success in this career. My bravery, courage, and willing-ness to take risks (like this job offer), would be non-existent without everybody backing me up. So, thanks guys. Your cheers and support are everything. Thank you. 

On to the next stage of my journey! 

Expectations

August 29, 2012

            I watched Mrs. P lead a discussion on the annotations of “Hotel California” for 3 periods today. What I found fascinating was that even by the 3^rd time she was hearing these interpretations, she acted like every single one was brand new to her. She offered to let me lead the discussion in the tiny 16-student AP class during 5^th period. It didn’t go like I imagined it would. I thought that choosing the tiny class would result in a good discussion because they all already knew each other and there was already a foundation of trust and respect. But they were just not into it at all, and it totally left me flabbergasted. The other 3 periods that did this activity (all over-crowded, with 40+ students) were very active in the conversation and seemed to enjoy it. But not when I lead it with 5^th period. Maybe I didn’t make it interesting enough. I heard laughter every time I turned my back to write something they said on the board. I made stupid spelling errors when I was writing on the board.  I’m not sure what else I did wrong. I felt pretty confident about the topic since I watched Mrs. P do it 3 times before.  It’s like the students couldn’t take what I had to say about it seriously. I asked Mrs. P what I did wrong. She said that I needed to explain why we did the activity and why it was useful to them. She's right...I did skip over this portion, mostly because I got flustered with how terribly the discussion was going.  I guess she heard a student mutter that annotations were pointless, so obviously discussing the “why” portion of this activity was more important in this period than the others…and naturally I messed it up. It makes me nervous for the future when I have to take over. Granted I will have the Honors classes, not the AP ones,  but still. I havne’t had a chance to work with the Honors kids yet and I hope that they enjoy the stuff I have planned for Beowulf. I am not a master in this piece of literature, and I am going to try my best to make sure it does not show. Maybe they will be kinder than the AP kids, though I can’t blame them for their disgust…because I remember having a student teacher for a period when I was in AP English my junior year of high school…and she botched her lesson too. The AP kids have high expectations of their instructors, and I just didn’t meet them today, I guess. I’m not letting it get me down or letting it discourage me. I’m just disappointed that it didn’t go as well as I had seen it go in my head.  Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. Week one is half over.  Only 15 and a half more weeks to go! 

Student Teaching, Day 3

August 28, 2012

     Today was actually interesting. I am so tired though, and I didn’t even teach today. I actually got to introduce myself to the classes, and the honors and AP kids were very nice and seemed happy to have me there. To be perfectly honest, I completely underestimated them. They were introduced to Inductive Thinking today, which they were all instantly good at. We actually listened to and annotated “Hotel California” by the Eagles. I didn’t realize how vague that song was, which left it open to may interpretations. Students were drawing great conclusions with text evidence to back it up. Granted, I wasn’t leading this discussion, but I was taking notes on what they were saying and it was that great! I won’t be fully taking over the AP classes, but the 3 Honors classes will be 100% mine. We decided that we will co-teach the Writing for Proficiency class and one of the AP classes.  My Beowulf unit is not fully put together yet, which makes me nervous…but I’m not starting it until next Thursday. I don’t know Beowulf backwards and forwards, so I feel awkward trying to design a lesson plan around it. I have been reading the same handout the kids will get, along with supplemental stuff I can find online. It seems pretty simple, so maybe I’m over thinking it, and making it harder than it has to be…I don’t know. We discovered today that we are going to have to start from the bottom up with the Writing for Profiecency students after one of them asked, “What’s brainstorming?”So the next three days are going to be spent going over the writing process step by step.

     Speaking of Writing Prof students…my most interesting introduction was definitely in that class. I told them they could call me Miss Chill (which is what I’ve told every class I’ve been in) and for the first time, someone asked me, “Are you actually chill?” I replied that I was, or I try to be. Then one girl in front pipped up, “Are you mean?!” These are seniors, keep in mind. Here is the conversation that followed, with a lot of laughter and humor sprinkled in:

Her: “Are you mean?”

Me: “Define ‘mean’?”

Her:”….I don’t know.” --Laughter--

Someone else: “Are you strict?”

Another student: “Are you crotchety?” –insane laughter-

Me: “No!” –laugh laugh- I turned back to the original question: “I’m not mean. But I do have expectations and-“

Her: “What kind of expectations?”

Me: “High expectations.”

Collective, “ughhhh!”

Me: “Not too high! High enough that I know you can reach them!”

     They all went back to writing after that.  Well, some of them did. Mrs. P sat with the girl who questioned my “mean-ness”  while I stayed at the front. I was surprised to see kids actually working on the assignment, and even some helping each other brainstorm. Of course there were a few who decided not to work, but to goof-off, and I was surprised that Mrs. P did not address this. In fact, they started lining up at the door 10 minutes before the bell was to ring, which leads me into my next thing…

     I did come to some realizations today. First, I realized that my co-op teacher has the same passion that I do, but it was just hard to find under all the sarcasm and bitterness toward the job in general. I also realized that she can operate without structure, but I don’t know how she does it. I don’t know if she just doen’t need it, or has never had it. But she’s managed to make it work. Tomorrow, we’re supposed to go over course expectations and stuff. So maybe I can see her act like a hard-ass. However, in no way is she a push-over. She’s a strong presence in her classroom, and commands attention. But so far there has been no establishment of routine or procedures. Also, she never introduced herself to her class, which I found odd. However, I the majority of her students she’s had before, so maybe she felt like she didn’t need to introduce herself? I just know I would feel left out if my teacher knew a bunch of my peers, but didn’t know me and didn’t introduce herself so I could get to know her the way my peers already did. I hope that makes sense.

     I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not taking over all the classes all at once, so I need not panic. I’m taking over one of the Honors classes next week, and then should have 2 or 3 honors classes. Finally, I will be co-teaching Writing for Prof and AP with Mrs. P while still having full control over the 3 Honors classes.

     I feel the most important thing I learned over the last few days is to not let my fear smother my excitement and enthusiasm. After I finally got to introduce myself (I had to ask to do it. Mrs. P was too flustered and kept forgetting) and talk to the classes I remembered my excitement for this job and forgot the fear. I’m not used to students of this caliber, and it is intimidating, but I have to not let my fear overrule my excitement. My environment is mostly  negative, full of complaints and bitterness and frustration with the administration and the district in general. While most of these complaints and frustrations are valid… (i.e. having not enough desks for students in 2nd, 3rd, and 4th period, but then only having 15 students in 5^th period…also having your ECS let himself into your room during lunch to “fix” the projector you’ve been using all day, only to make things worse and end up having to take a good chunk of class time trying to put it back to how he found it…not having a class set of textbooks because they were stolen/misplaced over the summer…not having clear directions on what your admin wants in your syllabus and therefore have not been able to write it until now…not having a gradebook until the 2^nd week in September because the district hasn’t paid the annual fee for the program…etc.) But these are all things that can be overcome, and shouldn’t determine my attitude. Granted, I know I’m going to have days were I just do not feel like teaching or being at work, but that’s normal for any career. But I also know there are going to be more days of  great and meaningful discussions and hilarious moments and watching the lightbulbs over their heads blink on and hear them say, “Ohhhh!” or “Ah ha!” when then get it.

     So my goals for the next week are to finish up my Intro presentations to Allusions, Archetypes, and Beowulf. Also, I need to cling to my sanity by taking time for ME to chill out and decompress. (today, that took the form of a unintended 2 hour nap on the couch this afternoon…I wasn’t feeling well.) Mainly I need to keep my excitement and enthusiasm in mind at all times. I went into this career because I  know I love it despite the obstacles. Keeping my positive attitude in check is going to be tough in that environment, but I think it will be easier as I start to actually teach and interact with the students. Wish me luck! 

Student Teaching

Seems like a pattern is emerging. I only update the blog on first and last days of the semester. Weird.

Anyway, today was my first Student Teaching seminar. I found out that I will be student teaching at Foothill High School with a 12^th grade English Honors class. If I thought I was scared before, I'm even more terrified now.

When I introduced myself during seminar, I was nervous for reasons I still don't know. I mispronounced my own last name after telling the professor that she had pronounced it correctly after calling on me to stand to introduce myself. The class laughed of course, after I quickly corrected myself. I made a joke afterward, and admitted to the entire class that I'm scared and excited about student teaching. The majority of the class nodded in agreement.

After we were dismissed, I went up to the front of the room to grab my student teaching handbook, and one of the two professors running the seminar touched my arm and said, “You have a wonderful personality. You're going to do great.” I'm not sure what she meant by this, (but I thanked her anyway) but I didn't see or hear her tell anybody else anything like this.

Many people have told me how great of a teacher they think I will be. This is a wonderful boost in confidence, and definitely strokes my ego...but it is also a lot of pressure. I know the reason I'm scared of student teaching is because I do not want to let anybody down: my previous professors, my new dean of education, my administrators, my supervisor, my family, my husband, my friends. I want to do well because I've always had the drive to try my best no matter the circumstances. But part of this drive is due to wanting to make all of the previously mentioned people proud. I know I'm technically still a student and shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes during student teaching, but I am. The idea of having to teach 12^th grade content is intimidating as well. I have a feeling I will be spending as much time with the actual material as I will planning a lesson for it. I was told that this worry, nervousness, and fear is normal and will actually make me a better teacher somehow. We shall see. I will be keeping a journal for seminar and some of it might end up on here if anybody is interested to know just how overwhelmed, intimidated, excited, and exhausted I am over the next 3 months.

Here goes nothing.  

"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

     Seems fitting that my last post was on the first day of this semester, and this post is about four days from the last day of the semester.
    
     I'm in a state of bittersweet shock. I've tried predicting what I would feel when I finished my final semester, and it honestly was not this. Granted, I still have a proposal to finalize, and two days of my EDSP 411 class, but they hardly count in my eyes. I just finished my final English class, which feels incredibly more significant to me. All the books, the essays, the confusion, the frustration, the joy, the discussions, the word counts, JSTOR, Google Books, works cited pages...over. Five years, and it's over. I expected to feel happy that it's over, and I am...but not to the degree I expected. I'm completely and incredibly overjoyed, but not because it's over. I'm overjoyed because I've realized I've accomplished SO MUCH. I've worked my ass of the past five years. I'm so happy that I'm that much closer to teaching for real. The light at the end of the tunnel has always been just that...a light. But now it is in such clearer focus. It's my future, finally. It's right there, so very close. It's not a train! Haha.

I wish I had better words to describe my current emotional state.

After I clicked "submit" on that last essay of my undergrad career, I just stared at the confirmation notice and just could not compute what I had just done. I closed all of my windows that I had just been using to write the essay, and suddenly "Don't Worry, Be Happy" starts playing on Pandora. My stomach is in knots because I feel like getting up and doing a jig of joy, but then that song comes on and I just grin stupidly and try not to laugh out loud. I grab my headphones (Josh is sleeping), plug them in, turn it way up, sit back, put my feet up in the chair across from me at the table, tip my head back, and close my eyes, still grinning stupidly. I just sat there and enjoyed the song 1) because I love it and 2) because I COULD. I could sit and enjoy this little diddy because I didn't have that pressure of a final essay on my shoulders anymore. I allowed the idea of being DONE to sink in, and I found myself tearing up, but still grinning. I still don't know if it was from relief, joy, or both. I've never felt like this at the end of a semester. It feels like freedom, honestly.

Part of my excitement may be due to the fact that now I can officially read for FUN instead of having to read what's assigned. I haven't done that in a long time. In fact, it may be 12:25am, but I'm going to go start "Paper Towns" by John Green RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE I CAN.

Awesome. :)

Beginning of the End

I've been meaning to write for a while. With school officially starting today, it signifies more than just the beginning of the semester for me. It's the beginning of the end. Josh is leaving for Washington DC in 12 days. Then returning for a month, possibly having to return to shift work (i.e. mid-shift, day-shift, swing-shift rotations) when he gets back. Then he will be moving to New Mexico with the dogs, while I move back in to my dad's house. Long story short, this first day of the semester is also the first day of major changes that are going to be happening in the next 4 to 5 months.

Josh and I are pretty sick of being jerked around about whether or not he will actually be moving to NM in April or waiting another year. We've discussed it and decided his orders are not going to get delayed, and he will be leaving in April. It's better to assume he's leaving than to assume he isn't. For me, it's a tough pill to swallow. For him, he's excited for the new adventure...and I really appreciate that positive attitude.

Student teaching is becoming a reality. The paper work is ridiculous. I'm crossing my fingers that I can student teach at my dad's school, but that's not a guarantee. My contemporary American novel professor has lost his mind. I have my first paper due for that class in two weeks already and we haven't even had our first class! And what he calls "Imitation Papers". We have 2 papers, 2 "Imitation" papers, a midterm (a series of short essays), and a final (another series of short essays). And at one point in the semester he expects us to get through two novels in a week. Granted, they're small-ish novels, but this class isn't the only one I have to read for! I do have work in other classes, and he doesn't seem to understand that his students take more than just HIS class. I have 15 hours of observations for my methods class. And I have to do a 30 minute lesson and video tape it. I really do not want to watch myself teach. I already know it's going to be awkward. Ugh. My business writing professor didn't put a class schedule in her syllabus, so I have no idea what to expect for that class. There are no reading or writing assignments listed in the syllabus. This makes me wonder if she's going to teach this class on a whim...which never turns out well.

Well, enough complaining. I have to get my day started. Breakfast, chores, shower, etc. Life.