I’ve been meaning to reflect lately. I don’t know why I’ve
been putting it off for so long. Maybe I’m afraid of the results? I don’t know.
In any case, I’ve been struggling for the past week or so,
trying to figure out who I am as a teacher in this strange new environment. The
classroom I’m in now is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
All of my observations, practicums, and student teaching
were all in English Honors classrooms. While observations are very relevant and
helpful for a teacher-in-training (I still consider myself in that stage), they
do NOT paint a real picture of what teaching is really like. The things I
learned observing and working in Honors level classrooms are not reality. At
least, it is not reality for me now. I feel like I’ve been trained to work with
only honors students. I feel like I know exactly how to challenge them, and
assess them, and design lessons around them. But I do not have such students
now. Far from it, actually. That’s not an insult to the students I have. They’re
still bright and curious students at times, but not to the caliber I’m used to.
(I’m trying my best to try not to make it sound like I’m
whining or complaining. That’s not the tone I’m going for here.)
They refuse to engage. I’m not exaggerating. My students,
with the exception of a select few, refuse to engage. Discussions are nearly
impossible. They’re painful for me, really, because if I’ve discovered anything
about myself during my time at Rancho, it is that I thrive off the back and
forth between students and teacher during instructional time. I work off their
energy as they answer my questions verbally as I guide them through a lesson.
But these students I have now refuse to engage in my questioning. I’ve talked
to other teachers about this issue and one of them told me it is a cultural
thing. They do not engage with their elders…only follow what is being said and
directions being given. I don’t know how to get around this. (If that is truly
the case.) I mean, even if I just ask for hands in the air for a quick opinion
poll, students will not participate. I do not want to have to result to sugar
bribes, though that as been suggested to me too. Another suggestion has been to
connect the literature to the students in a modern setting. I’ve been trying to
do that as much as possible, but I can’t live in the modern translation all of
the time.
Another problem I’ve been struggling with is this idea that
I’m going to reach every student, and every student will do the necessary work
with the necessary vigor and pass my class with a smile on their face. Talk
about living outside of reality! I’ve been driving myself crazy every single
day trying to make sure every single student is on track and doing what he or
she is supposed to be doing. I’ve been stressing myself out when making plans,
keeping certain students in mind and questioning my plans just based on those
students who refuse to do their work. In reality, I should make sure I’m
challenging those students who do want to be in the classroom and do want to do
the work and participate. I know I can’t reach every single one of them and
make them love English…but I want to. I imagine most new teachers struggle with
this? I cannot hold all of their hands, so to speak, yet I find myself trying
to do just that. I don’t want to get complacent, but I also don’t want to
stretch myself so thin trying to reach students who do not want to be reached.
Like I said, I’m struggling.
But, I must end on a good note. Not all has been bad. We’re
reading Romeo and Juliet. I had one student correctly and quickly answer
questions about what we’d just read. She interpreted Shakespeare on her own!
Normally I add commentary as we read to aid in understanding, but she didn’t
seem to need my help. She asked questions about characters and made predictions
all on her own. She said, “I really enjoy this, and I don’t know why.” A boy
across the room teased her for saying so (they always have a back-and-forth
that’s all in good fun). She didn’t let that bother her at all. She just reiterated
that she was enjoying the play. I loved hearing that.
Today, I’ve had students that I never thought would answer
my questions doing so with enthusiasm. One student, who has always been so
quiet and reserved, let his personality fly today! He wasn’t speaking in a
timid voice as he usually does. He was louder and more confident when he
answered my questions, and like the previously mentioned student, he asked
questions about characters and drew conclusions based on the text all by
himself. He was timid no more. I was blown away. Another student, who normally
looks so sleepy and uninterested, was animatedly talking to me about the
readings today. Again, I was impressed and a little elated. I hope this
enthusiasm spreads and it will encourage others to engage. I would like to
think that it was my enthusiasm for Shakespeare that prompted these boys (in
different classes) to come out of their shells. I like to think that, though I
don’t know how true it is.
Finally, I heard some very wonderful words come out of
another student in my 6th period class today. Now, 6th
and 7th periods are the squirmiest and most boisterous of all my
classes. They’re tough to deal with at the end of the day. I gave a writing
assignment after we read today, hoping they would enjoy prompts that would
allow them to connect their personal stories to Shakespeare’s characters. I
told them it had to be half a page, and of course they griped about it. When it
came time to turn it in, one student handed me a full page and asked if that was
okay. I said, “Of course!” She said, “I just love writing.” My heart swelled.
I could go on and on with stories. I try to find as much
humor in my experiences as I can. Otherwise I’d be a basket case of stress and
annoyance. Laughing helps.
On to the “I am” challenge. This idea was given to me by a
friend as part of a project she’s working on to remind people to take the time
to reflect on yourself. Here goes.
I am…always a student. I am constantly enjoying learning new
information about anything. Things that bored me when I was younger now
fascinate me as an adult. History about anything and everything has more
meaning to me now, and I can appreciate it more fully.
I am…a teacher. Still wrapping my head around this idea
because I’ve always viewed myself as a perpetual student, but now I get to
share that knowledge with the next generation in hopes that I may inspire one
to read or write not because they have to…but because they WANT to.
I am…a dreamer. I’m constantly wondering about the future
and where life will take my husband and me. I dream of the grand adventures
we’ll have together and with our amazing group of friends and family. Their
constant positive energy and support allows this dreamer to keep on dreamin’.
I am…a worrier. I always worry. I worry about everything. I
sometimes think I live in a constant state of fear. I worry I’m letting someone
down, or not working as hard as I should. I worry about friends and family when
they find themselves in unhappy situations. I worry about being late. I worry
about my students. I worry that I will say something wrong to hurt someone’s
feelings, and that’s never my intention. I worry about what others think of me.
( I was hoping to grow out of that one, but apparently not.)
I am…a child at heart. Always. Disney will always have a
special place for me. Nostalgia makes me happy more than is probably healthy.
Watching Disney movies is a stress relief for me. It takes me back to more
carefree times. I may be mocked for my childish tendencies toward such things,
but I will not let go of it. I still have coloring books, crayons, markers, and
colored pencils stashed away in a box in my closet. They come out when I’m
really stressed. The ability to color inside the lines reminds me that I still
have control even when my adult life feels like its spinning out of it. I’m not
ashamed of these hobbies. They’re part of me. Take it or leave it.
I think I’ve rambled on long enough. If you’ve read all the
way through, thank you. I’m always open to advice about anything you’ve read.
Over and out.
